Years ago I read an article that has stuck with all of this time. No, I don't remember the author – or even the publication – but, I remember the message. Don't get caught in the trap of living the life of "I'll be happy when…".
It's a simple statement. One that we slip into saying when things are rough. It may even be an attempt as positive reinforcement, such as when your child paints the wall in poo, or your spouse has been out of work for a while. "I'll be happy when they grow up a bit and don't cause me a bunch of problems." "I'll be happy when we can make ends meet and not have to choose between paying a bill and getting groceries."
We try to remind ourselves that life is not made up of trials, that there will be a time when these rough days will pass and we'll "laugh about this later". We try to remember to "just keep swimming." However, have you seen the movie Click, with Adam Sandler? When we focus on the future, trying to block out today, you miss out on Life. You forget that there is a difference between having a bad five minutes, and having a bad day. If you let the details of the moment overshadow everything else, then the good things are lost in the dark. Did you miss the look on your child's face when they tried to show you the poo art?
I am so thankful the Lord led me to that article while my children were still young. I still slip into the "I'll be happy when…" trap, but I usually recognize it and try to course correct. Like the time when my daughter was learning to drink from a real cup and spilt milk all over the chair, floor, and herself. All I could think was, "Shouldn't cry over spilt milk!" and I could barely stop laughing. My aunt was shocked. When her daughter was little she would have had a fit about the mess and cleanup. She wasn't trying to tell me I was wrong, but that when she was younger she didn't know any other way to be.
Some people don't understand my parenting "style". I don't seem to fit the mold for my age group. At 44 with an 8 and a 9 year old, I would normally fall into the older model of discipline. It is expected by my contemporaries to raise children that do not speak unless spoken to. It is better to be seen and not heard – better yet, neither seen nor heard. I grew up Southern, Christian, Military – I fully intended to NOT be the parent with the heathens. God had other plans.
My daughter has anxiety attacks. She was about 5 when I realized we had been forcing her to do things that truly terrified her. Matthew was diagnosed with high functioning autism, which means many people may not recognize that certain situations are confusing and reactions may not come naturally. Now that we know we can make adjustments.
Choose your battles. Ask yourself: would this happening change the course of our lives? We get so bogged down by the negative, we default to No. No, you can't have pancakes shaped like Mickey (when you're already making pancakes). No, you can't have seven ice cubes in your drink. No, you can't sit there and cut the paper into confetti. You have to eat the hotdog with the bun. You must…you can't…you have to. We get stuck in patterns of negativity.
I started trying to say Yes. Pick one simple thing out of the day to say, "Yes". There are certain rules that must be followed – giving respect to others, cleaning up messes after projects, eating something healthy during the day, etc. But, there are so many little things that bring joy that we miss because we are living for tomorrow. We have gap years where we've missed everything important. Life is more than working to pay bills. There are moments where we can take a mental snapshot of what we see, to accept and appreciate the family, life, and world that surrounds us every day.
I usually go out to feed our animals at early dusk. By the time I'm finished with the chores I can still see well, but it's definitely getting darker. At one point I cross over a canal and into the pasture and I always try to pause and LOOK, really look at what is in front of me. I'm almost always overwhelmed by the beauty. Sunset colors, flowers, grazing horses, flying egrets startled from my path…life through God's creation. As I pass through the pasture I have started taking pictures of some of the flowers and other still life moments. They are some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever taken – and they were during the times while I was working – while I was on my way somewhere else.
We've heard the cheesy clichés. Blink and you'll miss it. It's the journey – not the destination. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present. They become a cliché because they are true. But, we often lose sight of how to implement it – how to get from the "I'll be happy when…" to living the journey. I have a few suggestions.
Set an alarm for every few hours – when the alarm goes off take a moment to look around you and see something outside your immediate concern. You can take 2 seconds, or even a full minute. The point is it doesn't have to distract from your day – it becomes your day.
Say Yes. If you have children (or even a friend/spouse/roommate/dog) pick one thing that you would normally say No about, and say Yes instead.
Give real hugs, kiss cheeks and foreheads, and find characters in clouds.
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